I woke up this morning to bells. One - a girlfriend sending me a Christmas wish image through a text message (thank you Debi). I got up, walked into my kitchen picked up my phone and took it back to my bed. I read her message, and smiled. Then three distinct beeps came from my smoke alarm in my hallway. I waited. Then three more distinct beeps came again. I waited. Then a minute later, three more.
Now I know I wrote about this before. This same thing happened in August when I was procrastinating going to the UCSF center to see my sister-in-law. My procrastination was understandable. I don't like going there. That's where all my Larry's health history took place. Those doctors were the ones that told us he had brain cancer. That is where he made the decision to NOT take radiation and/or chemotherapy. His decision was a defining moment in all of my family's life. His decision was honored. When I hesitated going out the door (smoke alarm was just above me)...it sang a tune of three beeps, three times. I finally said "Alright, Larry, I'm going to go see her"...and I had not heard from the smoke alarm since.
So, this time, I walked under the smoke alarm to see if it would do it again...and I acknowledged that this was Larry, saying Merry Christmas to me. Reminding me that he is here, always. I went on into the kitchen and hit the coffee maker. My roomie came out of his bedroom and said "Good morning to you, did you hear the bells?" It's funny. Has to be, after-all, that is very likely why Chris is in my life right now.
The symptoms of me knowing that Larry is around, astounds me. Last night, driving on Highway 50, towards Folsom, I pointed out to Chris the Howe Avenue exit. I explained to him, that Sacramento State College was there, and that was where my life journey as an adult began. I met Larry there, and our early life together was established there for three years. Chris made a comment in a most loving way, "Hi Larry, it's nice to pass by were it all started, we're off to see your kids"... I can't remember the exact words, but an over-whelming feeling, open-hearted, blood pumping, water-in-the-eyes , lost-in-the-journey, momentarily took over the wheel. We made it to Folsom, and I didn't share with Chris that moment.
I know Larry was with us last night. I am sure he was applauding with love and sending the good energies to me for this get-together. It hasn't been easy. It's still difficult to point out the differences that all of us are experiencing, but I have to tell you, that Chris (my roomie) is my stabilizer in moments like this. He calms me down when I get uncomfortable with myself. He feels it before I do. All went well being with my kids and grand-children. But that loss is still there, and that hole in my family will never be filled. I say that with a positive attitude, because, that hole is also a constant reminder to me of the blessings that I have had in my life. I choose to see it that way.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Lori