The road to writing is fright with intimidation, research, and self-imposed criticism. Not all of it is YOUR fault. Once I opened the doors to acceptance, that I could write and enjoy it, the nagging mind kept saying, “you aren't educated in this genre, this isn't your specialty. What makes you think you are so special? What makes you think your story is so magnificent?” That’s the silly voice of “you’re not worthy”. I shove it away now. I now visualize a heart in my mind, breathe deeply and try to love ME generously. It helps remove that perfection that I am so inclined to use to block myself from writing.
When I finished publishing the first novelette about my late husband’s grandmother, I knew that I would be subject to criticism. Somehow I expected it, and yes, I received it. (Something about the Laws of Attraction is assumed here!) It started with a comment from a family member who read the book saying, “You wrote this in a fictional directive, right?” I accepted that question and pointed out to them that perhaps our lives are truly fictional, aren't they? But it bothered me. I saw it as judgment and probably a misdirected and unintentional dialogue that was more passive aggressive in saying, “Thank you for writing about my ancestor, but are these facts or fiction?” I again visualize a picture of a heart in my mind.
I then think I have to point out to the one asking this question that I wrote and mentioned in the book that it was difficult to pull stories together about a woman I didn't know. That’s why I “fictionalized” the story. Quite frankly, it was fun to put in a few scenes that perhaps I had experienced as a young child, and even named the characters dog after my Son’s dog. He pointed that out. And I smile! Loving Generously.
We grow up with these self-imposed values that our parents (and their parents) ignorantly imposed on us. To be perfect and perhaps be wary about loving generously. Before we reach the age of 7, we are not involved with an illusion to follow, we follow the play and joy that we naturally seek. As I observe my grand-daughters, they are all at different stages of this evolution. The oldest one, who is now 14 is already stamped into the worry of becoming an adult. She is quite involved in her schooling, her cheer leading team, workouts, practice, middle school drama, her friends, a boyfriend (good grief! and as my friend Frannie would say “Oy Vie!” ), judgment of others, and the contrariness of a mother schooling her in the mechanics of what her mother (ME ) believes important to be successful. Loving Generously.
As I observe my younger grand-daughters, one is 6 and the other is 4 ½. Both of them are still there in their worlds of seeking joy and fun. They are naturally drawn to the inquisitiveness of life. Out seeking the wonderment of flowers and butterflies and rainbows, and Disney princesses. Hopefully, they are unaware of the nastiness of what media is throwing at them right and left. Of course, I know my son and his wife are doing what they were taught. Somewhere in my younger grand-daughters journeys, I only hope and dream that they don’t lose their internal self and will continue to look at life with wonderment.
We all get back to that spiritual side of ourselves eventually. The self that was put on hold while we were evolving in life. I would not change a thing of what my life journey has gone through, but then it is my journey and no one else's. It's a journey that I am now embracing, knowing that this direction will take me to Loving generously, and Removing perfection from my life.
So I continue to write about the second grandmother, knowing there are a few of her ancestors, still alive who know more than I do about her. I will write about a woman of amazing strength, and pull in the magic of history that impacted her. I will LOVE HER GENEROUSLY and perhaps REMOVE perfection. It just makes the story better.